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Posted: October 12, 2012 in adoptee emotion, adoptee identity, poetry

My sorrow is thick.

And stiff–

The walls of a coffin.

My fear hauls me down.
Buries me in.
a frail kind of rage
that makes it


to see.
to hear.
to be.

I scream and kick.
There is only silence.
There is only stillness.
aching and cheerless–

As though I do not exist.

I have turned to dust.

I try to reassemble myself.
But I seethe through the cracks.
I seep through the spaces.

Like tears that somehow escape the ground

we are countless–an exodus
of dull, dead stars.

Smoldering away,

from our cruel glory.

That truly never was.


I never was.

you think you know me.

i don’t even know myself.

and just when I get an inkling
that i might be thinking
i know what my heart
is needing,

I go flipping
rage first

back into that fingerless abyss

safe as a lovely, darkly
lipless kiss

now that i have eyes
all i can see

is the danger
of no longer being a stranger.

you think you know who i am.

and what i represent.

i don’t even know myself–

all i know

is how to sit
and fake golden–

the token for rent.

i’ll cut out my smile
and give it to you,

still dripping wet,
if you will make me feel.


more than two cents–

the two cents that you just threw
at my back,

to make me feel ever so gently attacked.

you chase me further in
just so you can drag me out

you kick me down
just so you can pick me up

you twist me around
just so you can straighten me out

i gather up
my two lips
and my ten fingertips–

so i can touch my eyes
and open my mouth,
yell at that stranger
to come on back



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So, I’ve decided that I would like to request that adoptive parents refrain from commenting, particularly on posts that are password protected. If you don’t like that policy then tough cookies. As far as I see it, I have given you the privilege of being allowed to read these posts. Furthermore, to sound like a 5 year old, this is my blog, so ultimately, I can manage it any way I choose.

Honestly, adoptive parents’ comments rarely come off as anything but patronizing at best, and at worst, they come off as self-justifying, defensive, and dismissive.

This blog is to be a safe place for adoptees to be able to say whatever the heck they want, and quite honestly adoptive parents’ comments most often undermine and interrupt this goal.

So, please, AP’s, refrain from commenting. I think it’s a good practice to embrace. Not only do your voices get heard the majority of the time, but I think it might do you a bit of good to know what it feels like to have to listen without having the opportunity to interject.

And just so you know, if you find yourself unable to exert enough self-control to hold back, then I will exert my right to screen your comment.

It’s not that I won’t engage with you, but that is not the purpose of this blog. If I choose to give you the password, it’s only because I think it’s important for you to have insight into an adult adoptee’s experience and perspective, not because I want to hear what you have to say.

So, please, unless you have something to contribute that is truly edifying to adoptees, I kindly ask you to hold back your comments. As I stated above, I may opt to screen AP’s if I find comments unproductive to the goal of this blog.

And yes, this blog is completely biased toward adult adoptees, and specifically adult adoptees who might not always have pretty things to say about their adoption experiences. If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to read it. I’m not trying to be a jerk, but I also have the right to run this blog the way I want to. There are plenty of AP-friendly blogs.

I’m not anti-AP. (I actually love my adoptive parents.) I just don’t want this blog to turn into a forum for the defense of AP perspectives. Again, there are plenty of blogs that already meet that need.

Thank you for your understanding. You can always email me directly at, but please let adoptees voice their experiences here without AP’s always chucking their two cents at us. We already have an endless mountain of your two cents to overcome.